. a post to my almighty Allah SWT .

Do i have always to be like this? Ya Allah, please lead my way, give me ur clue, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with my feeling? What's wrong with my life? What's wrong with all of this?
There's no words cud explain my feeling rite now. Another "blank" in my mind. I dont know, but why i just can pretend that i'm happy lately, i laugh loudly, speak a lot, smile often in front of everyone, in front of my friend, in front of my family but deep inside my heart, i cant feel anything, i cant feel the joy of my laugh and my smile. Everything seems so fake. And no one know it. This is hurt. Every time, i always try to mind every one, but i cant do it to myself. I always try to make my beloved one happy, but i cant do it to my self too. And somehow i just feel that i'm alone in this world. But when i think of it, i blame myself. There are so many people that love me. There are so many friends that always try to make me happy. And here are my family too to make me feel warm and calm. I dont know, but i think i lost something and i dont know what is it. I keep on searching n searching all the time and absolutely only you who know the exact answer. You know me more than 100 percent even more than myself. I keep on running and running from all of this, something weird happened to me. What am i running away from? Everything messed up. I made it messed up. I shouldnt have been like this. I should be enjoy being me. Maybe somewhere out there, there are a lot of people that wanna be me. There are a lot of people that envy my life. I should be thank to you with everything u gave me rite now. I just too much asking and asking. I'm too demanding. I know. I know.


Sigh.. Ya Allah, please forgive me, i know that i've been too much complained to you, but i just dont have anyone or anyplace to complain. That's only you. Only you, the greatest Lord who cud hear every single voice from my mind, without i have to shout it out. Only u who knows what i'm feeling rite now. And only you ya Allah who will always know what is the best for me, and only u who have the best plan in the world for me, and i know that u'll make it all perfect in the rite time. I always pray the best, i believe in you. I believe in ur way. I believe everything that comes from you, whether it is good or bad. I love you with all my heart ya Allah. You are the best. The greatest. Ya Allah, help me out from all of these. Only you who could give me a way out. Only you who could help me get through these. Ya Allah please hear me. I know u will. Please give me the best in everything ya Rabb, i beg you.

~amin amin ya rabbal alamin.

»»  Read the rest...

. special things .

11.10.10

Something special with this number? If u say no, so what's the difference with 10.10.10? What's so special with number 10-10-10? I definitely dont get it, is it only me or do u think the same?
for me, i dont care the number, it's not important, the most important thing is the memory behind those numbers :')

Just like what i said before, i do sweat the memories behind the number. Memories that make those "prety" number so special.

Here i goes.. Actually, i wont share the memories i got on 10.10.10, but i'll share with number 11.10.10. Yes, you rite! It was yesterday! one of a shocking day for me..

"It's a happy or sad life, it depends on your own perception, not the circumstance." ~wilzkanadi

i call it shocking, bcoz i was given a news that i never imagine it before. Luckily, a pretty good one. The most shocking news is.. in the afternoon i got a msg from friend, here it is

Friend (F) : "dania.. Minta data dunk..
Buat 20 ipk tertinggi aksi,bs ikut rekruitment ke kpmg dan pwc.. Minta no ktp,no hape,no rmh sm email yaa.
Tq.."

Oh my, do u know what's in my brain that time? A flat line. Haha, yes it was! I felt so confuse at that time. I kept asking n asking myself, did my friend sent a "right" msg to a "right" one? So i pushed reply button, i sent her a msg

Me (M) : "Hee?? 20 ipk tertinggi?? Emgnya gw trmsk sel? Btw datanya krm lwt sms sel??"

I was still in a flat line feeling, i kept making sure myself that it was wrong, it's not me, it's imposible! She just sent a msg to a "wrong" one. Then, i got a reply

F : "Iyaaa dannn.. Trmasukkk lhooo.. Hihihi.. Iyaaa..by sms ajah.. (blablablabla)"
*p.s : sorry cant tell u the full msg, due to it's so personal :)

Duarrr (backsound in my mind), oh my God! This cant be real! even i have never imagined it! How come? Till now, i always think n feel that i'm such a bad collegian, i'm one of the most idiot collegian in my class, too many friends that smarter than me, i'm nothing if u compare me with them, i'm the number "zero", and so on and so on. Many thoughts in my mind.
Yah, just so u know, as a collegian, i often "bolos", "madol", "kabur" from class. Never study seriously when there is a midtest nor final test. How come? 20 ipk tertinggi di kelas? Aahh, this is just a dream, a sweet dream, too sweat! But this is a reality, a fact! Ah THANKS GOD!

Sorry if u feel that i'm sooo arrogant, but i never aim like that. Please trust me. I just wanna share my happiness, since i always give sad stories, so i just wanna share the "happy" one to balance it.

Ternyata.. Allah SWT itu memang selalu memberikan "sunshine after the rain". Masih inget gimana kemaren i shared a "dark" story of my life, then.. U see? Allah SWT give me a good news. A news that can make my day :)
This news just give me a lil' spirit. Meyakinkan diri gw kalo akan selalu ada kebahagiaann stlh kt mengalami kesedihan. Sedikit mengangkat gw dr "deep black hole". And the most important thing is there will always be an ups and downs in life, so just live it well.

"Life is a mystery. Don't waste time trying to figure it out." ~peaceful warrior

Ohyaaa ada 2 hal lg yg membuat kemaren sukses menjadi a shocking day for me.
First : i found 2 full episodes of a series that i search weeks ago, yeah pretty cool, cause i couldnt find it before. So now 2/15 completed search :). (still) hoping that i can find the rest, hehe.
Second one : i got a new friend because of u, blog! As always, i turn to a happy creature when i got a new friend (since i only be friend with few people).

Okayy, thank you for wasting ur time read this post guys. Always wishing my post could bring a positive thing to everyone who read it.
And i'm going to sleep now, it's 5.30 in the morning and i havent slept yet. Hoho, so have a good n wonderful tuesday!

»»  Read the rest...

. blank .

my post on : Oct 11, '10 2:54 AM Friends, family, problems, environments, situations & many other things change me A LOT lately, even sometimes i just dont understand n lost myself. And rite now i'm nowhere, dont know what to do, how to react, how to laugh, how to cry, how to response something, n all i know : i'm LOST. Dont touch me, i'm fragile. Just pretend nothing happened with me. Dont ask cause i wont answer. Just see, shut up and sit next to me. Make me smile with ur eyes. Fly me to the other world. Take me high to the wide blue sky. Bring me to the rainbow. Let me forget everything. Life, always gives me billion reasons to cry. Billion reason to make me feel confuse. Billion questions to answer. But me only one. One brain that couldnt answer all of those questions. This feeling, ah do i still have any feeling? Even i dont know the answer. i'm in a labyrinth. A maze with no exit. That is life i live. When i got a wrong way, it could bring me back to the beginning. Or i keep in the same place. A place that i remember but i always dont know where to go. This is tiring. this is confusing. When will i end this labyrinth? When will i find the exit? I have no place to go. I have no place to pad. This just too hard for me. No one could understand me. I cant trust any. Not even my best friends. I'm such an introverted girl. Fully introverted. I cant share any secret with anyone. And do u know what always makes me sad? when my best friend says that i'm arrogant, i never share my life. It is sad for me, when they dont understand me. Dont they know that i always keep my own problem bcoz i dont want anyone feel it too. I just protect them. I dont wanna be felt sorry for this. Only with this way i feel strong as myself. I just want they know it. Problems come n go, my heart stands still. Problems always pararelyzes me. I just feel numb. Cant feel n taste anything. Hah, life is too hard. My mind just too weak. This life just give me a feeling that i'm in the deep black hole. Cant exit. Cant find the escape. One word. BLANK.

»»  Read the rest...