2010 please dont go.
Oh myy, rite now i feel so much worry. I worry about everything in my life. Seems that now i'm in the hardest part of my life as a collegian. Yeah, you call it, S! this "Skripsweet" thingy makes me feel in so much stress. And with everything that comes and go in my life, this thing looked so harder and harder. Too many things that i couldnt shout. All of this just makes me more "silent". Cant tell any story, cant tell how i feel inside to anyone. And yes just like usual i turned into an introverted girl when i'm in situation like this. And so my surround ppl treat me bad when i'm in this situation. They keep thinking that i'm a weird one. hahh..
okay, i try not to blame them since i'm the one who is guilty in charge. yahh but sometimes could i ask for more? i just want someone to cheer me up, comfort me, support me without i tell them to. couldnt i? okay call me selfish. it's me the selfish one. I'm sorry for that.
"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
And I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very... mad world... mad world..." ~Adam Lambert (mad world)
These last few months flew so fast. i even cant enjoy it day by day. There are too many things that change. So many changes. Too many changes. And i cant accept it. Since i'm the one who run in circle, i just confuse with all of these changes. 2010 flew so fast anndd DANG! it's December already. For me, december is the most important month. On december i supposed to be more mature with my thougt, my behaviour and all the things, with the age that increase by the end of this month. But the fact every year on December i kept thinking that i cant be more mature, i just more immature. sigh. why is it so hard to be more mature?
Dan entah kenapa gw selalu ngerasa bulan Desember ga akan menjadi bulan yang menyenangkan buat gw? Apalagi taun ini yang ditambah sama deadline skripsi yang semakin deket dan dengan ga adanya kemajuan dr skripsi gw apa gw ga blh ngerasa begitu?
duuhh pemikiran rasanya udh pesimis aja. Pesimis takut ga bisa ngasih ssuatu yang baik buat orang tua. Ga bisa ngebahagiain mereka. Ga bisa ini dan ga bisa itu. sigh.
Tahun ini terlalu banyak yang terjadi. Terlalu banyak kejadian yang ga mengenakkan buat gw. Terlalu banyak kejutan kejutan yang membingungkan. Terlalu banyak kehilangan di 2010 ini. Terlalu banyak gejolak didlm hati yang ga bisa diungkapin. dan yang paling penting Dania banyak berubah tahun ini. Entah kenapa gw susah banget buat menjadi diri gw yang menyenangkan tahun ini. Semua temen, sahabat, keluarga pasti ngerasain hal yang sama terhadap diri gw. Dania berubah. Kadang suka sedih kalo mikirin hal ini. Tapi yang gw sampe saat ini masih ga ngerti, sebenernya gw berubah menjadi seseirang yang lain, atau sebenernya gw berubah menjadi gw yang sebenernya? yeah, i mean. this is me. literally me. The one that cant always happy everytime. The one that cant pretend anymore. The one who cant please everyone with harm herself. I'm just to tired. Terlalu cape buat jadi seseorang yang cuma dijadiin sbg penghibur buat orang lain tanpa harus merhatiin perasaannya sendiri. Terlalu capek buat menghibur temen2nya dan sahabat2nya yang terkadang suka ga bisa mengerti perasaannya juga. Terlalu capek buat dijadiin tempat pelarian waktu lagi sedih dan ditinggalin waktu lg seneng. Terlalu capek selalu dianggep nomor 2 dan dinomorduakan. Terlalu capek buat ga dihargain ketika melakukan sesuatu. Terlalu capek buat mendengar semua janji janji yang pada akhirnya orang itu ngelupain janjinya begitu ditanya. Terlalu capek buat selalu berusaha buat ngejelasin apa yang gw mau dan ga ada yang bisa ngerti dan selalu men-judge gw sbg org yang jahat, org yang egois. capeeekkkk. diem salah. ngomong slh. gw harus apa?? please tell me, world!
huahh.. and again at this time i just too demanding. But all i want just everyone understand me. I cant being like this all the time. Gw ga bisa setiap gw gamau ngomong, dipaksa buat ngomong dan ketika gw ngomong gw malah dicuekin. I always try to let go all of things. But sometimes the "things" just dont wanna let go of me.
Mungkin emang gw yang harus introspeksi diri sendiri. Mungkin emang ada yang salah sm diri gw sendiri. Selalu terpikir buat jadi "another" me. but can i? would it be better?
ps : Dear friends, if u read this, i would like to say sorry if u think that i'm too demanding. I'm too selfish. But all i wanna say is, please understand me. I cant be ur number 2 everytime, sometimes i wanna be ur number one. I did everything my best. I just want u to appreciate it. This is me. I'm here. It is hurt so bad when i try to cheer u up when u r in bad mood, but u give me no response. You keep silent on me. You treat me like something useless. Then when u r happy, sometimes u forget about me. and i just wanna tell u that i love u with the love that my heart can give to you. I m sorry for not being "me" just like the way you want. Please dont go when i need u to be my side. Please stay here with me when i'm down. and if u think that i dont deserve it, please tell me so i can stay away from you.
pps: guyyss and again sorry harus membaca tulisan kaya gini :)
denah
